That Story

Well I have very much got myself a case of writers block, so I put it to you lot what read it. What happens next in this here story

Life, and It's Other Ideas

I think things really are more or less over with Fyn. He wants to go home and have a think as his life is not where he thought it would be. He admitted he keeps hiding in work so he doesn't have to face a lot of things. Something he has done since we met, and to be honest I do the same thing myself. He saw himself in a very different way to the direction his life is going at the moment. The thing is you really can't plan that far ahead and whatever plans you make life always has other ideas. He is going away for the weekend very soon to stay with his parents and have a think. I have a feeling that when he comes home he will say he wants to call it a day.

Ora has been rushed off his feet with work lately, and next week I will be too. So we've barely had a chance to talk until this morning. So I'm hoping we can have a proper chat soon. I need something a bit more cheerful in my life to be honest. Well that's about it for the moment. I really must try and get that story finished too!

Spirit's Subspace Adventure

Right as you guys know I am on the subspace mission. No I don't have a rocket yet, but I sure as hell wish it required one! So how is it going? Well, honestly, slower than a crippled snail. I have a LOT of dom friends and of course I did have Fyn until he decided he preferred being a pain in the arse sub. I think I know the person I want to help me on this little mission. But this kind of thing you can't very well have just anyone. There has to be trust, and it doesn't happen overnight. Hell if it did it wouldn't be so much as an adventure as much as it would be a trip to the shops!

So I think there are wheels in motion, but the turning is all a bit unknown for now. But I will be keeping this updated, and I have a quiet day tomorrow in which to hopefully finish that story!

The Persuit of Subspace

I have got it into my head that I can subspace, even if evidence points in a whole other way. I love reading Alternative Mindsets and about her floating away. (And if you haven't read the blog, I suggest you get over there and read it... Hey hey hey, not until you've finished with mine!) It is something I have always wanted to experince, my ex used to subspace really easy, and it looked like a lot of fun. Then I went through my little "no way, this isn't real, someone made it up to sell tea and sugary things" phase.

This phase is very much over and done with. I'm a pretty stubborn person, always have been and always will be. I wanted to learn to squirt and I did. My record is meters and I am very proud. Not that I've been able to do it for a long time. I'm really getting off the point here. Somebody hit the breaks on this train of thought!

Right back onto the matter at hand that you've come here to read. (I've noticed my stuff on subspace seems to be the most popular so I figured I'd talk about it a little more.) Anyway, so this is going to turn into my journey into finding my subspace. It begins here and now! Well, maybe not now, I have a dinner to cook, laundry to put away. So everyone wish me luck and lets see where this goes!

Start of a story

Kneeling on the floor, naked with the exception of a collar, my legs open, my head down and my eyes closed. I'd be in trouble if I was caught looking, and even if I did dare open my eyes I wouldn't want to and risk seeing my heart beating so hard I think it's going to escape my chest.My palms are sweating as they sit upturned on my knees. I don't realise you are behind me as my mind is racing and I'm trying to catch onto a coherant thought, until you run your fingers through my hair. Making me jump.

I feel your hand on my face, gently guiding my face to yours, you kiss me on the forehead. You're being too nice, what brutal thing do you have planned for me? I know you far too well to know this won't last. But I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I wait to be cuffed, as you usually do. But this time you have something else in store for me. This time you have decided that you want to wrap me in clingfilm. As layer after layer goes on it becomes harder and harder to move, and only my head is left free. But a posture collar means I cannot move my head. Finally a blindfold and a gag is added.

Your hands over my body leaves a slowly cooling trail of warmth across my body. Across my arms, chest, legs, but not able to get to between my legs to sate the urge burning inside me. The sudden feel of a pinwheel across one of my nipples makes me jump. Then across my chest to the other nipple and down my body. Once you've had your fun with the pinwheel you rip two holes in th clingfilm and free my nipples, and add clamps making me gasp around my gag.

I'll finish this later I promise.

Returning to Subspace

I mentioned a while back that I have never subspaced in my life. I want to experince it. I want to feel what it is to float away and be held as I come back. It's different things for different people. But seeing as I have never reached it in my life, I don't know what will get me there. It isn't bondage for me, unless of course I've been doing it wrong! I don't think it is pain as I've had some very intense sessions in my time and pain has never gotten me there. I guess no one has really got into my head enough for psychology to work. I can always hope. But I'm supposed to be the dom now, so it looks like it's a real long way off. If ever. Fyn is not so much of a psychological person, when he doms he's more of a pain person. And I like pain, but I need someone who can really get inside my head.

All Change Please

Right so, last night Fyn told me that he has decided that he doesn't actually want to be the dom any more, he wants to go back to being the sub. Which is fine, except for the tiny problem that I don't feel to dom these days. I prefer subbing, and I need someone to give me that.

I need the control of a D/s relationship, I want someone who can give me the pain, the humiliation and the control, and be the dominant one. I don't really know what to say, or what to do. Talk to Fyn I guess would be top of that list. Other than that, I really don't know.

Great Expectations

I thought I'd continue on from the thought of having high expectations in my recent comments (which can be found here) as it has been on my mind this afernoon.

I had a bit of a strange upbringing, and love was something that seemed to be an easy come easy go. Especially where my Mum was concerned. So now I feel that the love I never had growing up is something I do deserve now. I want to feel special, and I want to be swept off my feet. If I thought that finally someone has come along that would sweep me off my feet the happiness was usually short lived.

I feel like I deserve someone that will love me and care about me who I could have a D/s relationship, but who understands that we need to have lives outside of that at the same time. Because as much as I'm sure many wish they could have that kinky novel D/s realtionship, it's a fantasy and reality is very different. We are not one-dimentional by nature, and that is what you really do have to love about humans, they are multi-fascited ever growing, changing and evolving in some manner or another. Even an apprantly stagnant pond has so much life moving and changing beneath it's surface.

So yes, call me fussy but I feel like I deserve someone who only has eyes for me, and if he is going to think about other women when he has a wank. Don't tell me that he does.Watching porn is one thing, but fantasising about fucking other women is another. I do apologise I'm going a little off, this is me gettng back on track! Someone who will show me love and affection. Someone is proud to have me as theirs.

So. Only question left is this. Where exactly do I go from here?

Introducing Ora

Well I ended up replaying to am message last night, I'll just call him Ora. All we did was talk about a few mutual interests, not a single thing happened. We didn't even talk about our kinks and it was a kinky website. That was how things started with Fyn. I'm not saying I'm going to meet him or that anything will come of it, but he seems like a really nice guy. Obviously I don't want to say too much about him, and really there's still a lot that I don't know about him. But I am looking forward to talking with him again.

Window Shopping (Again) It's A Weird Life

I talked before about window shopping on a site or two. I have had a very quiet day work wise (so quiet for once I know what's happening in the movie I'm watching!) and did a little window shopping. Even though it does my profiles always say I'm not looking for anything I still get a few messages. I'll get to the message bit later. The last time I was looking I had no interest in anyone I looked at, I looked out of noseiness to see what was about. This time although I did not message anyone I was interested. I guess after the past week I have wanted to feel wanted and like I deserve better than what I have from Fyn. Maybe it'll pass, and it's just because of the problems we've been having.

Now the messages I do get. I swear I must get contacted by every fantasist on the internet! I've had people that seem to have read one too many M/s books, people that have a serious lacking of manners, and people that contact me to tell me of all the weird (of and boy do I mean weird) and wonderful (in the loosest sense of the word) things they want to and will do to me. But at least it has made for some entertaining reading!

A Quiet Night In

Well Fyn is away with work tonight so I have the place to myself. I was going to see if one of my friends fancied a bit of company and a bottle of wine but he's away too. I'm thinking maybe an early night with my vibrator and some porn. I have to go away with work too, but not for a few days. I don't mind my travelling for work, but for the first time ever I'm having to stay overnight. I hate sleeping in places I don't know but I need the cash so I can't complain. I have another job that thankfully is closer to home. Hopefully I should be getting some remotely regular work from this close to home job.

So now my day to day stuff out of the way, as I said Fyn has been in the doghouse lately. I lately haven't been feeling too attractive, this could have something to do with the fact that he seems to be far too busy staring at every other woman but me. We haven't had sex or played since my new year blog, and he is always making comments about how he'd "do her" whenever a hot woman comes on the TV. I just want to feel attractive and wanted again. And where better to start than a little flying solo? Maybe I need a one night stand or something. Although I fail to see how that could fix things.

The Beginning of the End?

Last night I slept on the sofa, and I'll either be on here for a bit longer, or I'll be going back to my parents. He said things that really hurt me and then defended them. When he finally realised what he had said he told me he felt terrible. He has told me he's going to try and be a better boyfriend. But I don't know if it is too late for that. I guess only time will tell on that one.

My Happy New Year

Right first off, hope you all had a great new year whatever you were doing or not doing.

Secondly if I can get through telling the story of my new year without getting insanely horny and distracted then I have achieved something very special.

We'd had a bit to drink between Fyn and I, although we weren't drunk. Even if my hiccups were at the time the funniest thing ever. Somehow the subject of porn came up, and we ended up putting some on my laptop. Fyn was pretty turned on and so was I so I leaned down and started sucking him off. We decided to take ourselves and the porn upstairs to bed and he told me to strip. He climbed into bed with me and began slapping my tits while I wanked him off. I was dripping at this point so he finally fucked me. He slapped me, pulled my hair, pinched my nipples and called me a dirty whore and a filthy slut. He then pulled out and told me not to move and he came over me and rubbed his cum over my body. But I still hadn't cum yet and was going a bit crazy by now, He slid his fingers into me and fucked me hard but before I could cum from that he pulled out and stuck them in my arse and fucked my arse with his fingers while I rubbed my clit. The orgasm was amazing.

Well I had to condense it a little but I got through it. Shame he's still fast asleep upstairs I really want to cum again now but I can't without permission.