The Blowjob

So things between me and Storm are back on track. And without me doing anything too stupid while we were on the rocks! So I've been with him this past few days and things are much more like they used to be. Although he was a bit worried with these meds he's on that he wouldn't be able to get it up. And oh yeah yours truely defeated the medication! When I want it up by hook or by crook I'm going to get it up! What can I say, maybe I have a gift...

Anyway, he's not a fan of sex while I'm on the rag but if you'd spent four hours without being able to get the thought of giving your partner a blowjob then you really have to do something about it. Besides he can return the favour later down the line. So we're curled up in bed after a bit of a shitty day and I can hear it's getting to him. We've atempted to watch a film but talked over most of it. Largely him calling me a nymphomaniac, personally I want a second opinion! So I run my hands down his body and start to kiss his neck and down his body and I can feel him getting hard in my hand. His breathing changes, and I work my way down his body until he is in my mouth. I lick, kiss and suck him as he runs his fingers down the arm I am supproting my weight with and through my hair. I'm getting so wet I can barely concentrate until I hear his breathing quicken, trying to keep quiet with someone in the next room, and then he doubles over with orgasm, holding onto my head as he just seems to keep cumming in my mouth.  Finally his orgasm is over and we curl up in each other's arms.

The Great Unanswered Question

So Storm went a bit weird and I have taken a step back as my life has been... Well I was almost an obituary lets leave it there. He went weird before that. Ex weird, she started seeing someone else and he got weird. But this is where it gets interesting.

I had to go to work the other night and I really didn't want to be there, my bosses knew the score and we decided to just put me on the door for a bit and then I can just bum around and be around friends. (I work at a kinky sex club once a month.) I then end up as a bit of a newbie meeter and greeter. I'm young, (apparently) attractive, friendly and know most of the club to some degree. So I'm an obvious choice. And I get talking to these guys and one just stuck with me the whole night, I almost cried on his shoulder about my current state of affairs and he was so sweet.He cuddled me and while I worked the door sat at my feet and stroked my ankles. We talked sport, music, films, tv the lot. And my mad life didn't freak him out. When I was off the door we sat in a quiet corner, ended up kissing and at the end of the night exchanged numbers and agreed to go for coffee. Now he more or less knows my insane life with something constantly going all kinds of wrong/crazy. And he still wants to see me again. Now we haven't spoken since, and so the great unanswered question...

When is too soon to text them?

Now I'm really still broken up about Storm in a huge way. In fact I've hardly eaten and only left bed for work since it all went tits up. But this is a great guy. Well so far. And is coffee really ok? Storm and me are technicall still together but he's not being fair on my feelings, and last night that attention just made me feel so much better. Ok, my brain hurts.

Holy Crap!

So it's like eight o'clock in the morning, we've been out clubbing all night and the night before. And we are trashed, and exhausted, we ache, and finally we have stripped off and crawled into bed. We are already sweaty and gross and really should just be going to bed. Well we're in bed, that's close enough right?

He puts his arms around me and kisses me, and his hands run all over my body, and his fingers find my already wet cunt, and are inside me making me moan into his shoulder as I kiss it. My hands are all over his body and then he pulls me on top of him. I slide him inside me and his hands are all over my chest, strong but soft. My eyes lock onto his as I ride him until I am biting my lip to stop from screaming the entire flat down around me. I orgasm and it feels like my entire body has gone off like a rocket and I collapse on top of him totally breathless. He rolls me onto my back and it all gets a little hazy from there. When it is over we lay gasping for breath in each other's arms and nuzzle each other. The next thing I know it's some time in the afternoon.

Sex with Storm is way more addictive than crack, fizzy cola bottles and anything else I can think of! I've not been able to concentrate at work!

Unnatural, I Swear

I should be fully capable of having dirty thoughts of people that are not Storm. It is after all only a thought, so far I have discovered that actually I can't. This is not right it's unnatural. It's at the very least unfair. So what does this mean? I used to date a guy that said that I was the only person he would have dirty thoughts about. I thought he was bullshitting. Maybe he was telling the truth. Then again we've only been together for a month and a half so it may be just that... Nah even after a week into a relationship I could have dirty thoughts about certain athletes. Well ordinarily anyway. So sorry from now on it's going to be nothing but stories of Storm and I. Even if it is just dirty thoughts. But only when I'm finally comfortable that he is the only person I am capable of having dirty thoughts about.

Vertigo of Bliss

Now I've been quiet lately, and I was thinking why have I had less to say, is it the not having time? Partly. Is it that for the past two weeks and for the next two Advent have had and wil have my laptop fixing my screen for the second time. You'd have thought they'd have fixed it right the first time or just given me a properly working screen to start with. Slightly that, and I apologise for my rant. Or is it that I am enjoying the sex with Storm so much it makes my brain go fuzzy and I find it hard to remember enough to write about. Yeah, a lot, muchly and uh huh with enthusiastic noddings. There will be empty flat fun to talk share with you all next week.

Love and light to you all

Spirit

One Way Traffic

I hate oral sex.

Ok hate is a really strong word, but I don't let anyone get their head "down there" as it were. Funnily enough though get me on the giving end and you can almost guarantee my knickers will be soaking before they've cum. And I love sucking Storm's cock. I even like the taste of his cum. Good thing too seeing as the last time he came in my mouth I had to swallow twice!

A few weeks ago I had given him a blow job and I was all kinds of horny, he had cum in my mouth and had no idea at the time that blowjobs turned me on so much. Until he saw the damp patch where I had gotten so wet I'd soaked through my underwear. But he decided to make me wait, until finally he pulled my underwear off pulled me on top of him and he slid inside me. He pulled me onto him and a wave of bliss came over me. I swear that thing is a perfect fucking fit! He kissed my nck, shoulders and gently sucked my nipples and  I rode him until I was screaming, but he was nowhere near done with me. He pulled me up like a ragdoll, bent me over the nearby desk and fucked me until I was fighting to keep my knees from buckling. He came inside me and pulled me back to the sofa and held me in a tangle of limbs, and kissed me and ran his fingers through my hair and down my cheek, my arms and up and down my spine.

So I'm having a wank..

And not really thinking about anything or anyone in particular at that moment and as I cum my boyfriend's name sort of slips out. Wow, he must have had one hell of an effect on me. I've never had that happen before.

Well What Do You Know?

Well, I've been seeing my friend's brother for just under a month now in a *shock horror* vanilla relationship! And we are having the BEST time! I guess nearly dying in his arms wasn't enough to put him off after all!

I know I know you're after hearing about the sex, after all this is a super secret sex blog! Well it gives me shivers all over just thinking about it! His strong hands over my body just make my knees go weak,Wether it's me on top of him riding his cock, or him on top of me running his hands through my hair and down my body it's just perfect. Is it going to last? Well no one knows that do they? But I must say I hope this goes better! I'm just finding it hard to adjust to so much affection and caring. I've always looked after myself to a large degree and now someone else is looking after me it's... a new experince for me to say the least!

Spirit
xxx

Gone but not forgotten

The only problem with having a super secret blog such as this, is when under the same roof as someone domming you it is hard to get some time alone to actually say anything. Well that time will soon be coming to an end. To be honest, I'm just a bit bored now.

My friend is trying to set me up with her brother. I won't complain he's very yummy. Only the first time he met me I had a fit and nearly died, which must be a little off putting (throwing up and fitting is NOT sexy). But hey, I won't stop her from trying.

Aside from that there really hasn't been much to tell.

Spirit

Fliting In, Flitting Out

I'm back! No I wasn't locked in the basement of a dom and left to his mercy. Although that might have been fun and I am going back over the next few days for an extended period. He only hurt me once, but he talked to me constantly and it was amazing the way he got into my head and I tried age play for the first time. When he first mentioned it I had absolutely no interest and was a little grossed out but he talked to me and as he kept talking and explaining it changed from a hard limit to something I was curious about and within a few days I was a little girl and very comfortable with it. I wasn't that little but definately regressed a bit.

There's a lot of other stuff I have to get my head around at the moment but it'll all be coming out over the next couple of days. Hope ya'll are well and didn't miss me too much!

Spirit

What the Future Holds

Well I'm out with friends tonight for a couple of drinks, then the day after I'm going away for a few days. I'm staying with a dom I know. He wants to become my master, but I am still not too sure. I'm in no rush after the heartbreak of Mist, who is really treading dangerous ground with me right now. Don't do what you did to a girl and then try to get her back into bed. Not cool! If nothing else I shall have some great stories when I return!

Have a lovely weekend, and I'll update soon.

Goodbye Mist

So it turned out that Mist was just trying to use me, and was setting me up for a fall. I'm not hurt, not now, I was then. All that's left now is anger. You pushed me into admitting my feelings and publicly I might add, just to dump me the next day. Well screw you then. Tomorrow night I'm going to be spending with Dax and I have been invited by a guy I know to go and have a play with him. Thing is he's much older than me and age difference has always been the one thing to put me off.

I haven't seen the guy in years though and I do want to go and catch up with him. But for the time being I'm committing to nothing and nobody. Just me. When the time's right, I'll know. But for now it's all kinky sex with great friends!

Recconnecting With Zen

Where would I even start on telling you about Zen? He's my knight in shining armour. He's an old friend and the biggest pain in the butt I know! We met online a good few years ago, before Dax, Fyn or Mist. We have been consistantly in and out of contact ever since. He put a roof over my head, fed me and cleaned me when I was homeless, and when I thought he didn't care, I realised he was taking my mind off of my problems.

He is now back with his ex fiance, and I don't like it. To be honest, neither does he. She treats him like crap and I do not like it. Granted though he did fool around with me behind her back, and is debating dumping her. He has always wanted more from out friendship, and when he told me about his ex, I won't lie, I was sick with jealousy. This is not something I'm used to. So I made a desicion to give him a hint to my feelings. He didn't like that I was wearing someone else's marks, and that someone else was sleeping with me, so when I got home tonight I sent him an email telling him that I wanted to see him again, but just the two of us, no going out, just us alone. Well whatever happens next, at least it won't be dull...

Pain, So Much Pain.

I used to have a fairly high tollerance for pain, now I don't know if it's because I went such a long time since someone actually pushed me pain wise, or if the things he likes to use are a very different kind of pain to what I am used to. Either way this weekend has seen me pushed further than usual. I think we're going to have to have words on a certain toy.

Also I made a total arse of myself and told him I loved him, what made him ask and more's the point, what made me say yes? Fuck. Well he didn't say that he loved me, but he at least still wants to see me again. So it can't be all bad.

Non-commital.

Anyone who has been reading this blog for a while may remember Dak. I went to see him today and a drink as always turned into going back to his to watch DVD's. Last time it resulted in very drunken guilty sex. Now the situation as it stands with Mist is that I have no idea what's going on. His profiles don't say he is seeing anyone, and one in fact says he is still looking. Hmmmm. So fooling around with Dak this time was guilt free. We've been doing this for a while now. On and off. And today was probably the best we've had.

With Dak it's often very violent on both sides. I fight back (not Wolfie type fight back, as bizarrely he really likes Dak) but we have a lot of rough and tumble. In fact the first night we fooled around we totlly trashed his place. But doesn't the best sex usually create a lot of mess. Dak however had heard on the grapevine that I was playing with Mist and we talked about that. He knows my lingering fear of not knowing where I stand with him and that his blog says he is single. So with that in mind we had some very guilt free fooling around. Now I don't let Dak mark me as we are very non-commital. I love him to pieces but I don't have that connection that lets me let go enough to let him leave a single mark on me. But I'm sure you don't want to hear about that.

So lets get down to the dirty. He had been reading some dirty stories of mine lately from another blog I write, and now had an even better idea of what I was into. And for once I didn't go down with a fight. At the end of the DVD he pulled me onto him and we kissed. He started calling me a dirty slut and I was gone. He lifted me off of him and pulled off my jeans and told me to get on all fours and stay there.He slid a finger inside me and I moaned. I was already pretty wet. He has always been very rough with fingering me and I was finding it hard to stay on my hands as they began to shake. My breathing got quicker and the moans got louder. "Remember you aren't allowed to cum." Dammit I knew I shouldn't have told him that. He pulled his fingers out and I gave in and was on my elbows. Dak reminded me of this and I dragged myself up onto my hands again. He told me not to move and then a hand came smacking down onto my arse. I could hear him doing something around me but I didn't think looking up was the best idea. Dak may not be the most sadistic and while he isn't allowed to mark me he's a damn creative man. As I knew from past expeince. He also knows my body insanely well.

I could hear chain behind me and a pair of clovers were clamped down on my labia. His fingers went back inside me and he pulled on the chain. I was squirming and starting to try very hard to keep focused and not just go with it. Not long afterwards his fingers were out of me again and I could hear something going on behind me. I soon found out what it was as I felt the lube hit my skin and covering my arse. A finger slid inside and then another. He was soon fucking both holes and making me beg for more. He likes to make me beg for it. Soon enough his focus was just on streaching my arse as he is not a small boy and he wanted to fuck it. Something he'd never done with me before. He made sure I was nicely lubed and finally slid into my arse, but he's pretty big and it still hurt a little bit but he'd already forced my head into the pillow so I didn't make too much noise. He knows me well enough that he didn't stop or slow down but fucked me ruthelessly ignoring my screams calling me a bitch in heat (never been called that before and I rather liked it) and choked me on the fingers that had been in my cunt not long before. I could smell me on his fingers as he used me. He managed to orgasm before I could leaving me very wet, very turned on. But in keeping with Mist's orgasm ban.

Dak gave me some time to remember how to string a sentance and the caring sweet side was back. We cuddled up as we always do when we hang out. He asked it I was ok and we both cleaned ourselves up a bit. We watched some more junk and then he decided he wanted some more fun. He pulled me close and shoved a finger inside me and then another. I was soon writhing on his fingers and trying so hard to stop myself from orgasm. But his nail scratched me and I started to bleed, we were so wrapped up in the moment that neither of us had noticed as his fingers came out and he started fucking me. I wasn't in any pain (far from it it felt amazing) and it was only when my head came up I noticed the bloody finger marks on the wall. As I was in no pain and I love blood we continued despite better judgement saying I was out of action. The fact that I was so wet made it seem worse than it was and he smeared my bloody over me. But still no orgasm for me.

We chilled out afterwards and once we stopped so did the blood. We also figured it was a good time to call it quits on that department and just relax.We talked some more about Mist, and agreed that if Mist decides he wants to get serious with me Dak and I would stop fucking around. That's what I like about Dak, no strings sex and a great friend. In public people would think we're just two friends. I'm pretty sure he's the best dirty little secret I've ever had. And today was certainly (despite the lack of orgasm) some of the best sex I have ever had! Mist is going to wonder what the hell happened to me when he gets me into bed!

Fear and Lust in London

Like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas but with less drugs and more sex.

Alright, alright less of the attempts at humor I'll get to the point. I have been talking to Mist this past day or two. He has something planned for me. I don't know any more than the list of things I need to bring. I think I'm going to meet him at a station in a part of London I don't know and he won't tell me any more.

If this was any other person I knew I'd demand some details or I wouldn't go, but I trust him. I trust him completely, he has proven me wrong about even myself. No, that's not right. He hasn't proven me wrong. He's guided me through things I thought I didn't like. And shown me that a bad experince doesn't make them bad things. I'll tell you more when I know more!

Fighting Back

An idea from a conversation between Mist and I.

But as I wrote through this I couldn't decide if Taming the Beast might not be a better title. You decide.

He wanted a challenge, and he certainly got it. She was like a coiled spring her body crouched and slightly bent, her legs bent and the knees and up on her toes. She was ready to meet his next move, matching every movement he made with one of her own. What he found so strange was the way that she moved, it seemed so unnatural yet completely comfortable to her. It was strange to him, he who owned her completely, or so he though. No one owned this side of her. There was a definace in this wild, naked woman. And a challenge in her eyes that dared him to even try and catch her.

He made a grab at her slender arm, and it dissapeared beneath him to be replaced by a sweeping almost claw like hand to his arm. He pulled away, shocked at her speed. But he had one thing that she did not. Strength. And he did not plan to lose to his wild girl. This was his idea and he would always feel like he would never completely own her until he had taken control of this almost inhuman side to her. He took another grab at her, this time for her hair which was trailing wild in her face. But again she was already gone and diving behind him with a bizarre agility. There was nothing graceful or cat like about it, yet it was beautiful in it's own way. She landed behind him on all fours and was diving at his back. But this time he was too quick fer her and he threw her down.

She landed on her shoulder with a grunt and this time was up much slower. She barely managed to miss the kick intended to keep him down and went for him while she had him off balance. The force she piled into him with as she bundled her tiny but powerful body into him sent them both flying and hitting the ground hard. She went into his bare chest with her teeth. She bit down hard enough to taste his blood, and in that moment they both thought she had won. He gathered his thoughts and grabbed her by the hair and throat forcing her away. She swiped out with paw like hands and a wild look in her eye. He threw her away like a broken doll. He glanced grabbed the rope and looked down on her as she pulled herself together. He could see between her legs was slick with her juices. She rose up again but he was prepared. She threw herself at him again, he could tell she was becoming desperate, and tired. He was much bigger and heavier and grabbed her body and threw it down without much of a problem.

She landed on her front and he was on top of her before she could turn, a knee in her back, pinning her once and for all. She still did not give up. Snarling and clawing in a desperate bid to right herself. He grabbed her wild mess of hair and forcing her face down with a force that would later bruise her cheek. One hand went to her head trying to fight off his hand. The other he grabbed and forced behind her back and tying it at the wrist. Using the rope to hold it in place he grabbed the other wrist and forced it back, tying it to the other wrist.

Next was her legs. They had been flailing around but now were completely still. It almost seemed too calm to belong to the deep ragged breaths and growls coming from his captive. He pulled his leg away and she moved as quick as her bonds would allow and was on him, teeth bared and ready to keep going. He struck her across the face knocking her back, but again she came at him. He had more time now, and he grabbed his next length of rope. He forced her down again and sat on her chest, it took a while to tie her legs but eventually with a lot of throwing around had tied her ankles to her thighs. She was bent in an uncomfrtable looking tie still looking up and still full of fire.

He had become as aroused as she, who was now so wet the insides of her thighs were slick with sweat and her juices. He posisioned her with her arse in the air and fucked her. She was exhausted, beaten and broken. He continued to slap and scartch at her skin as she still tried to wrestle and slowly gave in to her captor. He reached his climax and left her there just for a minute. Watching the rise and fall of her body as her breathing became regular again. He untied her and they curled up in each other arms.

Spreading Creativity

At the moment I am having to spread my stories over two places. My super secret blog and with Mist. At first I didn't think that would be a problem, until I read over "The Owner" the other day and would love to have shown him that, and now I am currently writing something for him, and I really wish that I could share it with everyone that reads my blog. Ok inspiration, if you could hit me with something right about now... no? Maybe later then.

Sub Space - A Natter

It's something that came up in conversation with Mist recently. He would rather his partner didn't space out and was there with him expriencing the sensations rather than have gone mentally and physically numb. And it got me to thinking, is that my subspace block? Do I actually like being there in the moment with my partner? Do I want to be able to look into their eyes when haze of pain has faded away and be totally grounded by them?

It would explain a lot, and it is a conversation we keep saying we could sit and have during emails and texts but the conversation never gets around to that. We've normally got better things to do!

Men In My Life

Right, so Mist came over today, and while we were playing made me cry (which is very rare for me) and it felt great. I find it hard to cry as a day to day thing and he is amazing afterwards at holding me and making me feel like I'm indistructable. The only problem is Wolfie. He doesn't see good or bad tears, just tears. Later while giving Mist a blow job I had to fight down Wolfie from coming up and biting him. I was having a great time and I actually really love giving him blow jobs.

My Other Side Is Big, Hairy and Snarley

There's a side of me that does not come out very often. In fact only one person has seen it, and it's a part of me I do not often talk about. I am very into pet play, but there's a snag with me, my animal side is no puppy. It's more a big snarling, slightyly cantankerous, alpha wolf. Oh did I mention also male. Yes the other side of me is as multi faceted as my human side.

"Wolfie" as he is currently known as no one has ever given him a name, and if he has one he isn't telling, has only come into contact with one other person. But before I go into that I guess I should tell you a bit about him. He has been a part of my personality for a good few years now, and occationally likes to come out to play at the worst possible time and I have to surpress him again. Which I hate doing as he never gets to come out to play. Another thing about him is he doesn't like people too much. It's hard to explain, I guess Spirit just fades away and Wolfie comes out to play. I recently had sub drop (trust me to get it over 24 hours after playing when Mist isn't around to cuddle me in the early hours of the morning) and I let Wolfie take over and as I drifted to sleep. He's protective and has already established he is not a fan of Mist (I'm not too surprised, two alpha males, there's bound to be friction.) In fact it was harder the other night to slip away, for once he didn't want to know.

Which leads me onto the time I was domming my ex, we were very close, there were no secrets and I told him about Wolfie. Then one day while I was domming him Wolfie decided that he wanted to come out to play, and Wolfie decided to hunt him. He made a sudden movement and before I could stop him, he pounced and bit my ex. Thankfully I managed to push Wolfie back down and my ex was ok. After a while he became somewhat indifferent to my ex, and even let my ex stroke him.

I never even spoke to Fyn about that side of me, eventually the way things are going with Mist I should probably tell him about it. Trust my animal roleplay side to be a danger to others!

Recollecting Thoughts

Very recently I played with Mist, and although I didn't subspace, it was intense and amazing. Just what I need. I shall eventually get around to the telling of what happened, but I'm stil just putting my brain back together from all that happened.

Back Home

So Fyn and I are over, we both wanted to see other people and we are remaining friends. Mist feels the same way about me as I do about him so we are going to take things very slowly and just enjoy each other's company. And if we happen to have sex in that time well that's cool by us too.

So I'm now back at my mum's and it's really nice. Not too sure how long that will last but hey, got to enjoy it while it does!

If all goes well I should be having lots of kinky adventures to share with you all very soon!

Spirit. xx

The Owner

"One day, I will own you."

Those words resonated through her mind, and became a feeling that washed over her whole body, one place in particular. He made her heart beat faster and the breath catch in her chest. It had been that way since the day they first met. He could offer her the control she sought, and in return she could offer him herself completely.

At the end of their first date she was told she was not allowed to play with herself without his permission. Although she could ask for it. Days in and she still hadn't asked, although they were talking at every chance they got. She was waiting for him to tell her she could. There was something about him, his voice, perhaps? Or maybe that way he had with her that somehow managed to make her feel completely safe and yet at the same time like she was throwing herself to the lions? But something about him just drew her in and she could not resist him.

She didn't know what was going to happen next, but she couldn't wait to find out...

Getting Back

So I have been doing a lot of soul searching (turns out I'd traded it for a box of cookies) and thinking about everything. I'm giving the relationship with Fyn until the end of the month, I have to move back to my mum's anyway as I've got a lot of stuff going on at the moment. I like hanging out with him, but we have just become friends. There's aboslutely nothing sexual in our relationship and I am sick of his constant selfishness in reguards to what he wants and what I want. The crush I have on Mist certainly isn't helping either.

Be Right Back

As I sit here bunking off from work I feel like I'm getting better. I'm putting all the crap behind me and slowly starting to move on. I feel like I'm ready to stop morning for all that other crap and come back as Spirit V2.0 better, dirtier and with added kink! And just as determinded to reach that ever elusive subspace!


Now I know as well as anyone that this will not be happening over night. Things take time, and energy and all that jazz. But as things change I will be updating with all the news, stories and gossip. Well wish me luck!

Spirit xx

In Mourning

Well I am currently in mourning for my sex life, my dead in the water relationship and my get up and go. I think it's time for the changes to ring in. But hopefully I'll be back soon.

Sorry Folks!

I am completely snowed under with work (something I am ment to be doing now) and haven't been finishing until really late at night and haven't had the time to write anything. Or to be honest do anything fun. But as soon as that changes I will be back!

That Story

Well I have very much got myself a case of writers block, so I put it to you lot what read it. What happens next in this here story

Life, and It's Other Ideas

I think things really are more or less over with Fyn. He wants to go home and have a think as his life is not where he thought it would be. He admitted he keeps hiding in work so he doesn't have to face a lot of things. Something he has done since we met, and to be honest I do the same thing myself. He saw himself in a very different way to the direction his life is going at the moment. The thing is you really can't plan that far ahead and whatever plans you make life always has other ideas. He is going away for the weekend very soon to stay with his parents and have a think. I have a feeling that when he comes home he will say he wants to call it a day.

Ora has been rushed off his feet with work lately, and next week I will be too. So we've barely had a chance to talk until this morning. So I'm hoping we can have a proper chat soon. I need something a bit more cheerful in my life to be honest. Well that's about it for the moment. I really must try and get that story finished too!

Spirit's Subspace Adventure

Right as you guys know I am on the subspace mission. No I don't have a rocket yet, but I sure as hell wish it required one! So how is it going? Well, honestly, slower than a crippled snail. I have a LOT of dom friends and of course I did have Fyn until he decided he preferred being a pain in the arse sub. I think I know the person I want to help me on this little mission. But this kind of thing you can't very well have just anyone. There has to be trust, and it doesn't happen overnight. Hell if it did it wouldn't be so much as an adventure as much as it would be a trip to the shops!

So I think there are wheels in motion, but the turning is all a bit unknown for now. But I will be keeping this updated, and I have a quiet day tomorrow in which to hopefully finish that story!

The Persuit of Subspace

I have got it into my head that I can subspace, even if evidence points in a whole other way. I love reading Alternative Mindsets and about her floating away. (And if you haven't read the blog, I suggest you get over there and read it... Hey hey hey, not until you've finished with mine!) It is something I have always wanted to experince, my ex used to subspace really easy, and it looked like a lot of fun. Then I went through my little "no way, this isn't real, someone made it up to sell tea and sugary things" phase.

This phase is very much over and done with. I'm a pretty stubborn person, always have been and always will be. I wanted to learn to squirt and I did. My record is meters and I am very proud. Not that I've been able to do it for a long time. I'm really getting off the point here. Somebody hit the breaks on this train of thought!

Right back onto the matter at hand that you've come here to read. (I've noticed my stuff on subspace seems to be the most popular so I figured I'd talk about it a little more.) Anyway, so this is going to turn into my journey into finding my subspace. It begins here and now! Well, maybe not now, I have a dinner to cook, laundry to put away. So everyone wish me luck and lets see where this goes!

Start of a story

Kneeling on the floor, naked with the exception of a collar, my legs open, my head down and my eyes closed. I'd be in trouble if I was caught looking, and even if I did dare open my eyes I wouldn't want to and risk seeing my heart beating so hard I think it's going to escape my chest.My palms are sweating as they sit upturned on my knees. I don't realise you are behind me as my mind is racing and I'm trying to catch onto a coherant thought, until you run your fingers through my hair. Making me jump.

I feel your hand on my face, gently guiding my face to yours, you kiss me on the forehead. You're being too nice, what brutal thing do you have planned for me? I know you far too well to know this won't last. But I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I wait to be cuffed, as you usually do. But this time you have something else in store for me. This time you have decided that you want to wrap me in clingfilm. As layer after layer goes on it becomes harder and harder to move, and only my head is left free. But a posture collar means I cannot move my head. Finally a blindfold and a gag is added.

Your hands over my body leaves a slowly cooling trail of warmth across my body. Across my arms, chest, legs, but not able to get to between my legs to sate the urge burning inside me. The sudden feel of a pinwheel across one of my nipples makes me jump. Then across my chest to the other nipple and down my body. Once you've had your fun with the pinwheel you rip two holes in th clingfilm and free my nipples, and add clamps making me gasp around my gag.

I'll finish this later I promise.

Returning to Subspace

I mentioned a while back that I have never subspaced in my life. I want to experince it. I want to feel what it is to float away and be held as I come back. It's different things for different people. But seeing as I have never reached it in my life, I don't know what will get me there. It isn't bondage for me, unless of course I've been doing it wrong! I don't think it is pain as I've had some very intense sessions in my time and pain has never gotten me there. I guess no one has really got into my head enough for psychology to work. I can always hope. But I'm supposed to be the dom now, so it looks like it's a real long way off. If ever. Fyn is not so much of a psychological person, when he doms he's more of a pain person. And I like pain, but I need someone who can really get inside my head.

All Change Please

Right so, last night Fyn told me that he has decided that he doesn't actually want to be the dom any more, he wants to go back to being the sub. Which is fine, except for the tiny problem that I don't feel to dom these days. I prefer subbing, and I need someone to give me that.

I need the control of a D/s relationship, I want someone who can give me the pain, the humiliation and the control, and be the dominant one. I don't really know what to say, or what to do. Talk to Fyn I guess would be top of that list. Other than that, I really don't know.

Great Expectations

I thought I'd continue on from the thought of having high expectations in my recent comments (which can be found here) as it has been on my mind this afernoon.

I had a bit of a strange upbringing, and love was something that seemed to be an easy come easy go. Especially where my Mum was concerned. So now I feel that the love I never had growing up is something I do deserve now. I want to feel special, and I want to be swept off my feet. If I thought that finally someone has come along that would sweep me off my feet the happiness was usually short lived.

I feel like I deserve someone that will love me and care about me who I could have a D/s relationship, but who understands that we need to have lives outside of that at the same time. Because as much as I'm sure many wish they could have that kinky novel D/s realtionship, it's a fantasy and reality is very different. We are not one-dimentional by nature, and that is what you really do have to love about humans, they are multi-fascited ever growing, changing and evolving in some manner or another. Even an apprantly stagnant pond has so much life moving and changing beneath it's surface.

So yes, call me fussy but I feel like I deserve someone who only has eyes for me, and if he is going to think about other women when he has a wank. Don't tell me that he does.Watching porn is one thing, but fantasising about fucking other women is another. I do apologise I'm going a little off, this is me gettng back on track! Someone who will show me love and affection. Someone is proud to have me as theirs.

So. Only question left is this. Where exactly do I go from here?

Introducing Ora

Well I ended up replaying to am message last night, I'll just call him Ora. All we did was talk about a few mutual interests, not a single thing happened. We didn't even talk about our kinks and it was a kinky website. That was how things started with Fyn. I'm not saying I'm going to meet him or that anything will come of it, but he seems like a really nice guy. Obviously I don't want to say too much about him, and really there's still a lot that I don't know about him. But I am looking forward to talking with him again.

Window Shopping (Again) It's A Weird Life

I talked before about window shopping on a site or two. I have had a very quiet day work wise (so quiet for once I know what's happening in the movie I'm watching!) and did a little window shopping. Even though it does my profiles always say I'm not looking for anything I still get a few messages. I'll get to the message bit later. The last time I was looking I had no interest in anyone I looked at, I looked out of noseiness to see what was about. This time although I did not message anyone I was interested. I guess after the past week I have wanted to feel wanted and like I deserve better than what I have from Fyn. Maybe it'll pass, and it's just because of the problems we've been having.

Now the messages I do get. I swear I must get contacted by every fantasist on the internet! I've had people that seem to have read one too many M/s books, people that have a serious lacking of manners, and people that contact me to tell me of all the weird (of and boy do I mean weird) and wonderful (in the loosest sense of the word) things they want to and will do to me. But at least it has made for some entertaining reading!

A Quiet Night In

Well Fyn is away with work tonight so I have the place to myself. I was going to see if one of my friends fancied a bit of company and a bottle of wine but he's away too. I'm thinking maybe an early night with my vibrator and some porn. I have to go away with work too, but not for a few days. I don't mind my travelling for work, but for the first time ever I'm having to stay overnight. I hate sleeping in places I don't know but I need the cash so I can't complain. I have another job that thankfully is closer to home. Hopefully I should be getting some remotely regular work from this close to home job.

So now my day to day stuff out of the way, as I said Fyn has been in the doghouse lately. I lately haven't been feeling too attractive, this could have something to do with the fact that he seems to be far too busy staring at every other woman but me. We haven't had sex or played since my new year blog, and he is always making comments about how he'd "do her" whenever a hot woman comes on the TV. I just want to feel attractive and wanted again. And where better to start than a little flying solo? Maybe I need a one night stand or something. Although I fail to see how that could fix things.

The Beginning of the End?

Last night I slept on the sofa, and I'll either be on here for a bit longer, or I'll be going back to my parents. He said things that really hurt me and then defended them. When he finally realised what he had said he told me he felt terrible. He has told me he's going to try and be a better boyfriend. But I don't know if it is too late for that. I guess only time will tell on that one.

My Happy New Year

Right first off, hope you all had a great new year whatever you were doing or not doing.

Secondly if I can get through telling the story of my new year without getting insanely horny and distracted then I have achieved something very special.

We'd had a bit to drink between Fyn and I, although we weren't drunk. Even if my hiccups were at the time the funniest thing ever. Somehow the subject of porn came up, and we ended up putting some on my laptop. Fyn was pretty turned on and so was I so I leaned down and started sucking him off. We decided to take ourselves and the porn upstairs to bed and he told me to strip. He climbed into bed with me and began slapping my tits while I wanked him off. I was dripping at this point so he finally fucked me. He slapped me, pulled my hair, pinched my nipples and called me a dirty whore and a filthy slut. He then pulled out and told me not to move and he came over me and rubbed his cum over my body. But I still hadn't cum yet and was going a bit crazy by now, He slid his fingers into me and fucked me hard but before I could cum from that he pulled out and stuck them in my arse and fucked my arse with his fingers while I rubbed my clit. The orgasm was amazing.

Well I had to condense it a little but I got through it. Shame he's still fast asleep upstairs I really want to cum again now but I can't without permission.